Fat Pants and Mashed Potatoes

Jeans and "love" Necklace: Lotus (15% off online with Code: MODA), Jacket & Necklace: Vestique, Boots: Nine West, Shirt: Marshalls

Well Hello There. Long time no “see”.

I have been in straight up hibernation mode. 

Thanksgiving got the best of me this year. Holy Hell. I ate, drank, and donned only pants with elastic waistbands for 4 days straight. The few times  I did leave the house I went out in leggings or yoga pants. I could have vomited at the thought of a pair of skinny jeans. I was so gluttonous that I had to give myself a stern talking to on Sunday: “Okay. Enough. This is the last day of this madness. You are getting back on the wagon tomorrow!" But first… muuuust finiiiish off  this bottle of red wine (I mean... it's already open), this vat of mashed potatoes, and oh yeah…. every last bite of those cinnamon and sugar soaked baked apples with real whipped cream.” It was bad. Worse than bad. I went to sleep every night with a horrible stomach ache, and like a true addict, woke up and did it all over again the next day.

Out of curiosity (and a propensity towards masochism) I jumped on the scale Monday morning (I know what you're thinking... "what the fuk is wrong with you???"). I did it juuuust to see what it would reflect after 4 days of carelessness. And there it was… no worse than I expected. Up 5 lbs. In 4 mother effin days. True story. Ahh well. I know, I know... the scale sucks. It changes with what you have eaten, how much water you have or have not drank, salt intake, that time of the month, etc. I know it's not a perfect gauge, but it is interesting to hop on now and then to see what you're working with. And I'll tell ya what... it is time. Time to get back on my grind. Here's what's going down this week... lots of homemade fruit/veggie juice, tea, and plant food for yours truly.

I enjoyed every minute of those 4 days though (except when I was doubled over with stomach cramps of course). I cooked food for people that I love, shared wine and late night laughs with house guests, played with the sweet kids that were visiting us, and I sat my fat, happy ass on the couch for most of an entire afternoon watching HGTV. I even caught up on some sorely needed sleep. I let the coffee table get dusty and full of fingerprints…  the rugs went unvaccumed… and the crockpot sat on the counter for 2 days. I tried to put my OCD on the back burner and chill the eff out. Normally sitting still not doing anything at all makes me antsy and uncomfortable, but apparently all you have to do to combat the urge to move is eat yourself into a coma. Which I did. Over and over again for the better part of 96 hours. It was like a vacation from life right there in the middle of my living room and let me tell ya… IT.WAS.AWESOME. 

But… now I’m back to reality. Pants with waistbands, shoes with heels, food without Crisco, a clean house, and lots and lots of Pilates. I’ll tell you what my 4 days off the rails did for me though. It made me appreciate the heck out of my normal, healthier lifestyle. A life without wine headaches, intense stomach aches, sleeplessness (I don’t sleep well when I am really full), and perma-bloat. I also noticed that no matter how good the food was, it was a distant memory right after it was finished. It didn’t make me nearly as “happy” as I thought it was going to. It made me sick though. It did do that.  Really sick, and for a lot longer than it made me feel good. When we eat sugar, fat, and salt they release a chemical from our brains called dopamine. Dopamine makes us VERY happy, feel comforted, and puts us in a good mood (momentarily at least). There is a reason you crave sugar, salt, and/or fat when you are sad and not carrots. You want that dopamine fix. Carrots never got anyone through a breakup.

So if (like me) you are looking to get back on the proverbial wagon this week … here are a few of my tips for detoxing.

1. Dandelion Root Tea- get it from the store in the tea section. It comes in regular tea bags (buy organic if you can). You can brew it hot or cold. It has a sour taste, but it is a great diuretic and it will help with the bloat you may still be combating.
2. Lots of water. Duh.
3. Up your intake of raw veggies. They are like a broom sweeping out the crap on your insides.
4. Move. Find something you like doing and do it for 45-60 minutes 4-5 times this week.
5. Cut out or limit your intake of processed foods. If it has a commercial or a fancy package… don’t eat it. Ever seen a commercial for broccoli? Me either.
6. Don’t starve yourself. Your body will hold on to the weight you have if it feels like it’s being starved. Fill your belly with good, real food and leave the rest alone.
7. Make or find some fresh fruit/veggie juice (not crap from the store that says 100% juice… they lie). When you drink fresh juice, the nutrients from those fruits and veggies hit your bloodstream in 15 seconds. The body does not  have to work through anything else to get to them. It’s like a bullet of goodness to your bloodstream.
8. Get rid of the leftovers. It is time. Throw them out, or give them to someone who has no interest in detoxing.
9. This may sound extreme, but it’s a good tip for anyone who is triggered by sight. DVR your favorite TV shows so you can fast forward through the commercials. Have you ever sat back and taken notice of how much we are bombarded with images of food accompanied by catchy, upbeat jingles?  Images of fast food, junk food, sugary and/or salty snacks are everywhere. Oh, and Pinterest. Stay off of it for a few days. When you return your newsfeed will be full of workout “pins” and all of the recipe pins from the last month fall to the bottom. 
10. No High Fructose Corn Syrup - Fructose interferes with the creation of a hormone called leptin. Leptin signals to the brain when the body is full and it is not necessary to eat more. Our brains are hard-wired to keep us from starving by encouraging snacking until leptin tells us to quit. High-fructose corn syrup keeps us snacking on all products made with it. That shit is the devil. Truly evil. 

Alrighty… that’s all I got. Happy detoxing, Mamacitas!